HOLD ON TO YOUR UNDERWEAR

 “Love Is a Many Splendid thing!!! La da da Fecal Matter, la da da da”

            Ah, love, so great in so many ways. Those great ways including: someone to go out to eat a lot with, someone to heckle movies with, an end to loneliness or almost, SEX! BUTT SEX, EAR SEX!!, holding hands, kissing for no reason like in Duane Reade waiting for a prescription to be filled or in line for a bagel in the morning. Yes, it really is a great thing to have handy, love. (And prescriptions and bagels) But most importantly, someone to love.  (I apologize in advance if this is written poorly, I have a cheese plate in front of me that I can no longer ignore and am stuffing my fat fuck face, also there is now Brie smudged on my keyboard just to give you a mental picture.)

            But, ok, so lets get down to it. I am feeling very broken hearted today, which is funny because I am not in a relationship or anything and haven’t been in one for a while, but I guess my point is havarti cheese is my favorite and down my mouth hatch it goes! However what the cheese is not undoing, is the knot inside me, that is making me reflect on my love tendencies and by “love tendencies”, I’m not talking about my signature move in the sack ;). I just wrote that and then I looked up and there was a really cute baby and I smiled at it. I am going to hell for sure.

            My first boyfriend lived down my street; we’ll just call him Finkis, because the name “Finkis” makes me laugh.  Anyways, Finkis and I went out in fifth grade. Previously, he had bullied me because I peed my pants a lot and he would NOT let me or the rest of our grade forget it. But come fifth grade a magical thing happened, I bought “Kim “, the Eminem single and Finkis instantly thought I was the coolest girl since Patty Mayonnaise, from the show “Doug”. One day at 8:00 am, I was asleep in my parent’s bed, where I slept until age 14, and my mother woke me up. “Finkis is on the phone.” I was so nervous, I told her I couldn’t talk to him, so my mom told him I was asleep. “He wants you to bring your Eminem CD” And from that day forward, we were pretty much the Sid And Nancy of our Catholic middle school.   We’d have play dates spent drawing funny caricatures of each other, playing soccer in my yard, prank calling my older sister, and sneaking into movies we were not allowed to see. He was basically the “Thomas J.” to my “Vada” to speak in the movie, “My Girl” terms. And then come sixth grade, something changed, Finkis decided he was too cool for me and so he was back to being my bully, but my love for him pretty much will always remain. “Finkis, I love you.” I said once on the phone while we were falling asleep, listening to each other breathe. He didn’t say anything nor did I care if he did, I just liked saying it out loud to him. It felt like it broke something open inside me, me being this incredibly shy and anxious eleven year old.

             Saying, “I love you”, didn’t cause me worry, which might be the usual reaction especially when it is met with silence. I felt liberated by speaking my feelings, deep feelings, possibly for the first time in my entire life. Finkis and I even made a plan to meet January 12, 2012 on the steps to the Natural History Museum, he would bring a football and I would bring a Discman. (That’s how we’d recognize each other.) I probably still have that piece of paper with our secret plan stashed somewhere. Unfortunately, neither of us held up our end of the deal, which depresses me a little. It depresses me because at that moment in my little life, being without Finkis would be so horrible that of course we would meet up and be together in ten years.

            Sadly, Finkis has gone down a rough path with hard drugs and other naughty stuff and that depresses me too. I have lost touch with him completely within the last three years. But this isn’t a list about everything that depresses me. This is about love, which is a great thing for people to have. I ate that entire cheese plate, the ENTIRE FUCKING CHEESE PLATE.  I’m so sorry if this is all cheese plate dribble. I was gonna talk about my “Love Tendencies” wasn’t I? Well they are as follows: I tend to love a lot. (Not like multiple men, or sister wives stuff.) But when I am in something, Oh you better believe I am in it and that person better be as crazy as I am because when I am crazy about you, you better believe I am fucking crazy about you, and not in a jealous way, just in an attentive, tender, sensitive, I LOVE YOU way. I like loving.  I hate dating, meaning I hate having to be clever and making a certain impression, dressing up all sexy-like like that Suzanne Somers. I’d much rather just be in the goddamn relationship already so you don’t have to spend so much money on fancy dinners, and then I don’t have to feel guilty for you paying , and we can fart, and HOLY SHIT, sorry, I just found cheese in my bra. (Which makes me laugh because my boobs were described as mozzarella balls, this weekend, so it’s like that’s coming full circle!)

            Anyways, SoulMate if you’re reading this please don’t judge me for the cheese in my bra, it happens. Also SoulMate, I can grow out of bad habits. I am a firm believer that people can change, and my body can too! Hell, if you want I’ll get butt implants! I don’t give a fuck!